And I believed

As it happens, my life is revolving around a lot of things related to France right now. It is not dissimilar to the feeling you get when you finally buy a car and then you keep seeing the same car everywhere you look. I have always wondered why that was. It is entirely possible that our brain finally acknowledges their presence because we have established and associated some sort of value to them.

It is interesting how we as humans are constantly fighting to be a part of something, to belong to something, while simultaneously trying to expound on the idea that we are different from everyone else. I don’t see the problem with that though. I think those two notions could go hand in hand and they just happen to appease to two different sides of us. We have a hard time justifying and chasing goals that are inherently so contradictable. That does not mean they are not valid though. On the contrary.

You know what is worse than fear? Despair. I am in love with idea of my morals and ethics. I just need to start believing in them.

I believe in them now.


The thing about patterns is that they are bound to repeat.

Fidget spinners were a big thing last year. We humans have a tendency to-conciously or subconsciously- twiddle with something when we are feeling anxious or skittish.

I saw my co-worker fiddling with a paper clip today and just staring off to seemingly nothing. Twice it happened. The second time I noticed, I asked “Are you okay?” and they replied “wha- yeah!” and I locked eyes with them before asking “Yeah?” and they paused before replying “yeah, absolutely!” with an almost enthusiastic smile.

20 minutes later I caught them staring at nothing again, but this time I offered them gum and indulged in silly talk.

You know the best thing about relationships? You can be there for someone without the other person knowing you are there for them. And vice versa.

Sometimes it’s okay to laugh. Sometimes it’s okay to cry. Sometimes it’s okay to gossip loudly. Sometimes it’s okay to not talk about anything. Sometimes it’s okay to love. Sometimes it’s okay to hate. Sometimes it’s okay to be proud. Sometimes it’s okay to be jealous.

The thing about patterns is that they are bound to repeat. The only thing you need to figure out is which pattern is yours.

I know

I know of a time that encompasses all grief,
I know of a winter that was never cold,
I know of a spring that would never bloom,
I know of a summer that never came home,

I know of a sea that had no life,
I know of a star that would never shine,
I know of a professor who would always lie,
I know of a secret that was never mine,

I know of a land that would always fight,
I know of a work; nine to five,
I know of a fire that would never die,
I know of an emotion that was never right,

I know of a sheep that had no sight,
I know of a flower struggling to thrive,
I know of a god that was always right,
I know all this, but I am still stuck on you

ハッピ ー (Happy)

This post was originally written on 7th Jan 2017.

I LOVE people who genuinely try to spread positivity in this dark and bleak world. It could be anyone, from an air hostess to a stranger you may have met at a bookstore. Is there anything better than spreading happiness? Like honestly.

Okay, I admit there have been at least a couple of instances (in the last month alone) where I literally rolled my eyes at someone who was chirpier than I was. These were the thoughts passing through my head: “What a complete and utter ass!”, “Why in god’s name is this person so happy? Like have they seen this world?”, “Are they trying to rub it in my face? Like GODD!” – (Yeah… I may not have been in my best mood)

I have been thinking, though, we all are entitled to happiness in whatever dosage it may come. We are supposed to cherish it and maybe, just maybe try to extend it those around us. And this isn’t just reserved for people, animals are one of the greatest sources of exuberance that I know of.

Twenty-eighteen, we are coming for you with a vengeance for happiness.

Once more, With feeling

I think I’m starting to lose my sense of purpose. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It is getting tougher by the minute. It doesn’t help when literally everyone seems to be against you. When all I am trying to do is just fit in. What did I ever do to deserve this? It is gotten to the point where I constantly keep lying to myself. Keep telling myself that things will be better someday. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. I don’t know what I believe in anymore.

What I do know is that I love you. A lot. And I am going to do my best to help you through this. It will get better. I promise. I am going to make sure of that.

Ma’s Approval

I knew this boy once. He was kind and young and naive. He adored his Mother. Even when other things made him happy, he always looked for her validation. He longed for it. He craved for it. Each year the yearning would grow. He would get it sometimes and when he did, it was like getting a treat after he had done something bad. It felt so wrong. It felt unknown. He was not used to this. Yet he could not help himself. He wanted more. The boy grew up resenting her. He only found his happiness in denial now.

One day he got his validation again. Age had changed his Ma. She became kinder with her words. She became more affectionate. But he was reluctant towards her feelings. He had only found disappointment in them for so long. It took him a while to come around. In all this time, he realized he still sought her approval. But this time he got it. Only it was short lived. For time always wins.

Brother of mine

What do you feel?
You are shaking..
You would be too, brother of mine.
You need to tell me what happened.
So I can help you.

She smiled and said:
Not everything has a context,
Not everything can be fixed,
Sometimes you just need darkness,
Instead of rationality.

But being there for you can’t hurt, can it? I caught myself wondering.

The now

Why do we worry so much? Why is there a constant voice at the back of our heads screaming that all good things will eventually come to an end? We have a knack for thinking the worst and I don’t blame us. Life usually gives us a reason to think so.

I recently caught myself going over these lines from Man’s Search for Meaning written by Viktor Frankl, “What did the prisoner dream about most frequently? Of bread, cake, cigarettes, and nice warm baths.” These are all things you and I take for granted.


Nice warm baths. 

I think I might just appreciate them more now.

I was thinking of all the little things I enjoy the most and I came up with these 3 things:

  1. The fresh scent of coffee brewing early in the morning, even though I’m not much of a coffee drinker myself.
  2. Feeling the cooler side of the pillow when you turn it over.
  3. People smiling.

We really need to get lost in the now more, no?

So lets.


I have a friend who has this thing for going all in. Yesterday they were ridiculed for being too obvious while talking to someone. Needless to say the people’s laughter was met by my friend’s embarrassment. It was all too familiar, time and time again I’ve seen people being jeered at for not hiding their feelings well enough.

I do think there is a fine line between enthusiasty and plain desperation. Is being apparent (subconsciously or otherwise) really such a bad thing?  Regardless of the end result, isn’t taking a chance going through hell in itself?

“Are you happy in your own shoes?”, my friend asked me later that day. I didn’t know what to reply so I just stared. They smiled and said, “I am.”

I think trying too hard isn’t too bad. And apples are just lovely. No?